The Acuity of Balderdash

I like holidays. In fact, ever since I can remember, holidays have always excited me. It is quite bizarre for me to get excited by them as usually I get excited by things that are not planned in any way (or shape or form). About spending time with three friends in Skye however, I was undoubtedly excited.

On the face of it, picking someone up, giving them at least one (usually) stressful day of travelling, putting them in a place they don't know with a language they maybe don't speak, placing them with people they would not usually live with, and telling them to get on with it is surely a recipe for disaster? It sounds like the ingredients for a stress and panicked week have all been carefully measured by Miss Delia 'don't whatever you do be creative' Smith.

I can see the old 1980s TV advertisements for Lunn Poly now that tell me to 'get away' and infer my relaxation; personally I can't think of anything less relaxing than some of the places they wanted to send people, but nevertheless, these adverts inferred relaxing. So in my British middle class way, I arrived in Scotland, ignored my Easyjet Easydelay™ (I think I feel a post coming up about airlines), laughed off the hundreds of pounds taken off my credit card for a hire car, told myself that the country was beautiful and that a 6 hour drive was worth it, and proceeded to be relaxed. But was it really relaxation?

When I was younger and more naive about emotion and state, I used to believe in a cycle of happiness. In fact, to an extent, I still do, it is just more clouded by the cynicism that comes with living and working in London. I used to tell people in a styled quasi-wise manner that if they pretended to smile and be happy, then it would affect the people around them, who would either pretend to be happy too or genuinely respond happily, and then your eventual neuro-response would be to smile and actually become happy yourself. This theory is one I try not to think too much about any more, because putting it into practice can make me seem a bit odd!

Yes, of course my cynicism about relaxation and happiness is unfounded. Travel and money aside, I felt awe at the beautiful scenery my eyes were feasting on, and actually during the holiday I felt pure relaxation and girlishly-jumping happiness on a number of occasions. There were a number of occasions too that I felt I ought to be happy and relaxed when in fact I wasn't: it is those moments which the cycle comes into play the most.

The problem is with my brain, it can never, at a particular moment, accept the existence of these pure states of happiness and relaxation, and it does strange things. Actually this move from usual life to holiday, with all the indications of Miss Smith's Stress Mousse, turns out of the oven lacking the stress factor. There is something wonderful about seeing new things and experiencing them with people you love and adore and being able to hoard their reactions and their joint reactions. But because Dynamics of holidays are often more complex and unstable than normal 'what-we-know' life itself, we become susceptible to things that are usually stable in our home environment. I don't think I have known a holiday without tensions.

In Skye, it was an interesting situation - there was not anywhere to escape to as we were often inside with howling wind and rain, there was no phone reception so we couldn't go and phone people in a 'you can't believe what he/she just did' sort of way, and our relationships became very organic. It was interesting that when I felt tension or when I felt left out or that everyone suddenly didn't like me, that there also seemed to be tension generally, when I felt happiness there seemed to be happiness generally. However, I did experience some personal lows that were horrid - an opposite of the highs that were wonderful. It is interesting that the brain feels a need to go through these emotional scenarios whilst one is feeling 'relaxed'.

Of course, it is very much that in a busy life where I am constantly identifying my own actions and how they have affected others, it is very difficult to switch off from the need to think, and to just relax. Or can we 'relax' at this moment...

It has made me wonder about relaxation as a state. Yes I was excited before holiday and excited during the holiday, but not after the holiday; travelling back yesterday, I was in a bad mood - I felt that everyone was ignoring me when I asked things, that everyone was talking to one another but not to me - the excitement had worn off. During the holiday I was relaxed, but felt tensions. Sitting in bed now writing this entry, I feel relaxed - very relaxed - totally relaxed. My mind has forgotten its silly scenario wanderings during the week, yesterday's bad mood has evaporated into my more realistic 'stop reading into the natural peaks and troughs of interractions with others' state, and my mind is truly relaxed remembering a week of fun, new scenery, beautiful sights, beautiful friends, companionship, laughter, good food, good wine, and actual joy. If someone gave me what I perceive to be pure relaxation for an entire week I don't think I would accept it.

So, relaxation is a state post-event for me. Why was I excited? I was excited because I hunger for the things that will make me relaxed once the event has passed. The experiences will remain with me as a feeling of relaxation in my life for a good time yet - the love and friendship I feel for my friends will be enhanced by the emotional scenarios and become stronger. In any stress likely to come in the next long while, I will be able to feel relaxed and warm by recalling those images of holiday.

Excitement is hunger. Yes I hunger for experience the whole time. Excitement is lust. That is why I get excited. I lust for new experience - I hate normal.

Relaxation for me is much more about the aftermath. I hear you ask about the relaxation I mention whilst running about girlishly. I lied. It happened in different peaks, but the girlish bit happened only once on the holiday. Like a VU meter reading the peak on a sound mixer, that was my 'clip' - the point at which any further signal would need condensing - it has registered the height of the relaxation by which I shall remember the holiday.

Thank you guys for a wonderful holiday. I'm excited. Can we go again? Would it be better? Would it be the same? You see, I'm excited now for the new experience.

JL