The Wasp and the light

I've been aware for sometime that things are changing; when I say 'things', I refer more directly to my life. This current tide change has been at work since the early part of this year.

Sitting on a tube train earlier, a tube train that later broke down and sent me along the tracks in de-trainment, I noticed something. A wasp was throwing itself at a fluorescent light again and again in the futile hope that it would escape into the world where it more properly belongs. This hot, synthetic tube repelled him, yet the wasp continued in its quest. (For all you left-wing feminists reading, I make no apologies that the wasp is a man, in the same way that I wouldn't make apologies for flawed liberalism.) The wasp couldn't escape because of his attraction to something bright and promising and yet fake and ultimately fatal. As an adjunct of mere anecdotal use, I had just been into a supermarket and purchased a pizza for tea, avoiding the slightly less-bright packaging and much-more-healthy looking vegetables nearby. I've always had the ability to empty my head of this sort of attraction, and sideline it. Pizza I know is bad for me, but is a fluorescent light; other objects I do well to put away and let them live on the important sidelines of my exsistence, rather than be destructive attractors like pizza.

On Good Friday, Christians learn of a scripture being fulfilled - the death of Jesus in a way fortold and predicted in detail. I sometimes wonder whether I have an ability of future prediction, or whether my skills of logic are just quite finely honed. Arrogant perhaps? But arrogance is really very rarely me these days. When I came home from playing the organ, I did several similar things. Two of them were identical except in one respect, and I predicted the result correctly both times. The actual details are irrelavent.

A tide change, Good Friday, wasps attracted to lights? Mad? Quite possibly. We are all attracted to things that are not good for us - whether a light, whether a pizza, or whether other abstract things; there is always something better, like a salad, that we don't notice, or just don't think. I'm not talking about 'living a little' and 'letting one's hair down'; those who know me know that the admonishment of vice, or something you enjoy is entirely alien to my being. Yes. It is the being, the soul, the care of self to which I refer.

It all started in about December 2005. I knew from the moment an abstract connection was made, that there would be a gradual decline that could all but destroy me. It nearly has once or twice, but I find myself in the situation at the moment of knowing that in the next short while, I will make a gesture of personal sacrifice - sacrificing some mind things I enjoy on my sidelines, that will combine to create a fluorescent light that could hurt me much. The past few months have been a time of resigning myself to it, and in fact I do believe actual synthesis of these organic, sideline elements has already occurred, and is currently my percieved 'dangerous synthesis' in deception already. The personal sacrifice I shall make will be to give the synthesis a 'justification in time' to exist. In doing so, I will give life to something amazing, as I have done before (but not to this level), by letting it take all my emotional energy. It will exist, and I will nod in surprise, and everything will be fine. It will take me a year to recover, potentially longer, but I shall fight because it will eventually enhance my life dramatically. I find it all exciting.

I worry sometimes about how easy I find it to predict these things - I do believe in synchronicity, and my two tests when I arrived home proved a fulfilment of this to my mind.

On the positive side, I'm sitting on my balcony watching squirrels jumping in the trees, wishing I was free like that too; perhaps I will be soon. I intend to sit here with another Gin, eat a pizza, listen to the birds singing, watch the sun go down, and go off to enjoy the last night of penitence before the kindling of the new fire, and the beginning of what promises to be quite an interesting but exciting space of time.

JL