I've just returned from the Ash Wednesday service at my church. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent - forty days and forty nights of wilderness. The Rector pointed out that whilst giving up certain pleasures in life for Lent was undoubtedly very good for you (and even more so if you give the money saved to charity), the inevitable goal of the period of self-awareness and thought is to become the person you want to be by the end of it.

I've found myself becoming rather obsessed with Jung's ideas on synchronicity recently, and have probably begun reading into life's coincidences just slightly too much. Today, however, I have had a curious mood swing to a sort of half-mood - a mood in half being - the remainder of one I thought I'd put to bed a long time ago. It is curious because on the day that, in the Christian calendar, self-awareness and meditation begin for 6 weeks, blasted apart has been the 'papered-over' inner workings of my emotions. Synchronicity it may be, but it has also made for a very organic day - possibly the most organic in a couple of months; everything has grown out of a disappointing realisation and mood swing early on.

I became very good a few years ago at pushing unwanted things in life around - hiding sadness with joy - being able to put problems into a corner using low brain resource until they sort themselves. The challenge to become 'what I want to be' in 6 weeks through a process of introspective collection is something I fathom almost impossible. I've learnt that to be my true self, I need to open up all the hidden problems, the hidden emotions, the hidden thought, and purge them by opening them at the people they are associated with. Occasionally I try to open thoughts, but I think there are only few people who can fully cope with me being honest - most people will just ignore the openess if I start trying to be honest - possibly because they have similarly moved things to the corner of their 'life playing board'.

So if I'm to be my true open, honest, and emotionally honest self, then I must expect to harm what makes up my life. So is my true self the person who I want to be at the end of Lent? Is there a difference?

Who knows? I think the concept of self-awareness is a good one - a time to consider what has been papered over and what could come blasting out at any given time. It is also a time to purge the issues and problems and emotions that have been soaked up like a sponge. Like a game of snap, by matching up the mental process of a problem thought through - the card of logic with the card of problem or emotion or feeling, Lent can be a cathartic time.

I'm looking forward to this time. It has started.

Time to sleep


JL