Jo(h)n player special

I used to work in an off-licence for money. Yes, I did say 'for money', just in case you thought I did it for pleasure (and to underline that I wouldn't have done it if somebody had offered me a fortune to be a kept woman). An off-licence in middle-England, (a type of sutre between middle class and hobbit land), is the sort of place one goes to buy your product with satisfaction and a hint of pride:

'I'll have my daily litre of sherry please. Yar that one as usual'

or

'I'll have a packet of JPS. No, not those, the ones I always smoke, what?'

It used to drive me insane being treated like an unintelligent oaf, and towards the end of my time there, I would have books open on the counter about the octotonic or showing complex numerical analyses of music. Obviously I couldn't understand most of it myself; I wanted people to think before they assumed I worked in a shop because I was mentally retarded and that they could thus win any situation they started. It still happens in life, and there are some people who know me who feel the need to overexplain things at me, and it drives me up the wall. Just because I don't partake in discussion, it doesn't mean I haven't understood; I understand and follow about 50% more than people think sometimes - I just don't like arguing. Obviously in the off-licence, the simple example is:

'Yar, a packet of JPS, that's John Players Special by the way!'


I was talking to a friend that other day about conversations you can have with some people and never have to explain anything at all. This happens to me most often with Ben and Rel. They are the most creative discussions ever - like a drug. It is funny how frustrating it is when there is not an intellecual connection to people I'm talking to. Maybe this lack of connection then comes across from me just like I have explained above - annoying to the other person. Maybe I am just as bad? Probably. It's all about spending time with people so a frightening/ frighteningly wonderful telepathic connection seems to exist. [I do love that juxtaposition - when something is so frightening, it is wonderful].

Anyway, this friend and I also spent time talking about a religious man we used to know. When we knew him, we were always overawed by his sense of dedication, his cleverness and his compassion. However this friend and I have both fallen out of touch with him because he never returns e-mails except when he has a favour to ask. We knew him very intimately in the line of work, he was always charming and we thought the connection would remain a long time after we finished our work together. We decided that Mr Religious is a bit of a player: this, of course, is not as in a cad and bounder. A player here is somebody who plays chess in order to win - a person who uses pawns to achieve his ultimate 'check-mate'. Mr Religious now has a blooming career, and we never get any response from him. Obviously when we meet him next, he will be charming and as genuine as he ever was: one does not easily forsake being a man of God. Our use to him, however, is nowadays negligible.

If that sounds like an admonishment from Lord Jon, it is not! 'Hypocrite', I hear you shouting. Should I be Patrick Troughton, at this stage I would smile and move my head down and say 'Oh yes', and then frown violently and say, 'No! I will not submit'.

Diversion. Totally tangental. I know. But I do play the recorder.

We are all players aren't we - even if we don't mean to be. I spot myself afterwards rather than during. Life is a play, and we are the directors of our own plays. We use the actors who are good for us, who fit the roles we need: I phone particular friends when I'm in need of different things. Sometimes actors phone us and ask to be involved in a particular scene: sometimes friends phone and ask to be part of the current life. When the play changes, we can use different actors depending on specialities: when life moves on, different people arrive and are found. We are all players, surrounded by a wooden stage - never is the saying so true:

'The stage is the same, it is just the players who are different'.

Of course, one of the beauties of life is the way we hold on to important things through emotion. I have happiness in that a number of people I know will act in my plays as long as I produce them; I have great fear that some of the best actors I know will grow tired of my plays and move on to bigger and better things.

This is not an original thought, and I'm not dressing it as such. It is just a thought. Some things I'm learning about writing a blog/gallery and my different groups of readers:

a) Those who read it, smile, and think that I've missed the point/ was never quite there academically
b) Those who read it and pick up the nuance and meanings
c) Those who read it for enjoyment of someone else's rant
d) Those who are bored and stumble across it accidentally

Each of those are very worthy readerships and it underlines something I've said all along to people: that the beauty of reading/ hearing someone else's (even passing) thoughts can inspire creativity and insight in your own. A muse for tangentalism (just like Patrick Troughton..). It is for that reason my life is a play - each player is different, and they all bring something unique to

Jon's players special.....

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