Sea Change

Photocopiers are evil creations. They have a knack of creating chaos where order existed and where there was once art. Today I spent a whole afternoon of work photocopying some sets of music ready to be engraved. It should have taken but an hour except that the first photocopier failed to scan random pages correctly, and then the second photocopier on which I repeated the exercise (totalling probably about 500 pages), managed to split 3 copies into 6 randoms, and jammed once every 5 minutes. The rest of the afternoon was spent sifting the copies to find out which pages were missing.

It was a day destined to go wrong from the moment I woke up late and got to the Victoria line to discover it fully broken past Euston and the next train being a 15 minute wait. Needless to say, I didn't arrive at work until half past 10. Lunch was spent in the post office in a unusually long queue, and then the cashier's computer crashed. This evening, I accompanied a rehearsal for Gavin and on the way back, the north circular jammed and the bus was terminated leaving us stranded in Edmonton.

It led me all to wonder whether there are such things as bad days. Does the earth have a magnetic shift or a change of spin speed which knocks everything over? It is certainly true that things always tend to go wrong at once. I've come to the conclusion that far from going wrong, it is the normal things which I have grabbed onto as going wrong in order to persuade myself that life continues as normal.

Alas, my bad day has coincided with an epiphany: hence the grabbing on to normal every day things. Last year I was very unhappy in my job, and the things that supported me were the very important and secure life and relationships I had. Why is this related you ask? My life has seen a sea change: my epiphany is that this is year has the potential to become very lonely. As I sit here, I am very happy in my new job, but my personal life has already begun to unravel around me and today picked up speed: this change is my magnetic shift and my change of speed - not the planet's. It is my earth that has suddenly moved rather suddenly: some key supports and things that have kept me going have disappeared, or will be later on in the year.

I am tired and emotionally worn out at the moment - my brain has been working in overdrive for some time, but today it reached capacity for too many problems at once. It is a good thing to force yourself time to think and wittle away all the supports in your life so you can identify yourself and your needs without all the cladding. As long as you remain objective and try to purge emotions as much as you can, I believe it a positive evolution. But I am frightened for the wilderness to come.

Thankfully I am spending time in Surrey after Easter weekend is over, and I have randomly been offered a two week opportunity to think by myself and sort my head out later on in May.